bluetruedream

...i'm back! at least for a little while, since i won't be updating my study abroad blog while i'm home.

i wrote this on the plane last night, and i think it comes across as more angsty than it should, but whatever.

What am I going to do with my life? What's too big or too small? Should I stay on the East Coast? Move to a new place? Go to law school? Become a journalist? Try to get a job with Obama 2012? Pretend my life is a real version of The West Wing? Get married? Join AmeriCorps or even Peace Corps? Travel? Live at home? Sell out to the big firms and make six figures in my mid-20s? Or go into public defense and make under $40,000 for my entire career? When will I get a kitty? How long will I have my family around? What will happen to high school and college friendships? Who knows best? Where is the door to power? How can I compete with men in the professional world, AND WIN, without becoming a cold-hearted bitch? Will I always be a romantic? How do I know if and when he's the one? What will America look like when I'm 30? Who will I lose? What will find me? When will clarity arrive, and will I know it when I see it? How can I make something important happen? Am I an adult? What does it take to change someone's mind, on a big scale?

I want to find out.
**********************************************************************
I'm back until Jan 7th. Call me :)

New blog for my year abroad! Everyone should go there and become a follower by clicking on the link on the right hand side!
This will be the best way to hear about Oxford, if you're interested.

http://clairegoesabroad.blogspot.com/

xoxoxo C

 
August 7, 2009...????????
When did this happen? Didn't I leave Tufts on May 7? I could have sworn that was three months ago. And in two months, it'll be October 7, and I will have been in England for 4 days. Whoa.

Okay, so I've been super lame about updating my journal. Like, WHOA. But here's a little taste of what my summer was like.
I worked at a small, bi-partisan think tank in the Dupont Circle area of DC called The Constitution Project. The organization has a small staff--7 full time, plus interns--and maintains 7 active committees, made up of prominent legal thinkers and former politicians from around the country. We seek to resolve complex constitutional and legal issues through consensus solutions. And all the "bi-partisan" language isn't just talk: for example, the Death Penalty Committee has former prosecutors and conservative Congressmen who support capital punishment wholeheartedly, and also includes strong advocates of LWOP (life without parole) instead of the death penalty. The other committees include Sentencing, Liberty and Security, and Courts.

I had no idea that I was going to learn so much INFORMATION this summer. In the first few weeks, I didn't even know enough to know what questions to ask. I felt completely out of my league, over my head, and out of the loop. But I persevered, and listened a lot, and took to reading political web sites and blogs during my lunch break, and going to events which might not have been at the top of my list...but I learned.

For the first two weeks, I didn't get to DO much. Mostly researching contacts online, updating spreadsheets, reading some of our reports. I was just beginning to worry that my bosses didn't trust me with "real" assignments. Then our Senior Counsel called me into her office, and I got my first real writing task. A daunting one, considering the topic, and my lack of background knowledge. I worked on it for almost a month--crazy, especially when you consider that the overall word count is maybe 700 words--and after edits by 5 different people, it was published on DailyKos, a political blog-website. You can read it here, if you're so inclined. I would say that about 75% of it is my writing; 25% is my bosses'. I'm okay with that!!!

What else? I did some cool stuff this summer. (Stuff is such a GREAT word...) I cooked, and baked, a LOT. If you're really nice to me I might invite you to the fancy dinner party I'm planning back in Seattle. Highlights from the summer include: carmelized cauliflower, chocolate-covered coconut macarooons, 4 kinds of banana bread, balsamic barbeque chicken, and french-style yogurt cake with lemon glaze.

I also went bowling at the White House. More specifically, in the EEOB, which is NEXT to the White House. Super cool. Went on a tour of the White House. Pentagon, too. Met people who have interviewed KSM at Guantanamo, managed U.S. operations in Iraq, met weekly with Hillary Clinton as the State Dept's Acting IG, and Justice Brennan's sole autobiographer.

I asked questions all summer. I went to the grounds of a deserted mental hospital in one of DC's worst neighborhoods to meet with a Public Defender (PD) and get insight about her career path. I hobnobbed at parties and accepted glasses of wine when they were offered. I went to a luncheon and shook hands with a man who had been on Death Row for over a decade. He was exonerated and is rebuilding his life. I asked all of the intelligent, motivated people I met what they loved about their jobs, and what they wished was different. I asked about law schools. I tried to glean what kinds of people get into what kinds of careers, and who succeeds. 

And after so much learning, and so much NEW--god, I feel like someone took the blinders off me and I can SEE--I think I know what I want. It will have to wait (duh), since for almost anything I think I will pursue professionally, a law degree is necessary. So, law school first. But afterwards?

I want to be a public defender. I want to go into jails, bad neighborhoods, places where people feel like they've been forgotten. I have always believed so very strongly in the right enumerated by our Constitution, that every American has the right to a free and fair trial, and to a lawyer to represent them. The crisis of indigent defense is so horrible, and it doesn't get enough media attention, funding, or help. I want to fight for the small victories, the day-by-day battles to make sure that poor people, or black people, or women, or people who have just been hurt by the world, are not screwed over even further by the American judicial system. I'm so excited, and so scared. I want to do this almost more than anything else. And you know what?

I think I would be good at it. I say that not over-confidently, nor cockily, but just with this sense of calmness: I feel like I SHOULD be doing this.

But right this second, I SHOULD be packing. I get into Seattle early Sunday morning!
I can't wait. There is so much life to be had.

it is stuffy and close and stale
the smell of people’s days, hanging around them like discarded spiderwebs
you thought you brushed them off
but they’re still clinging, trailing to your sleeve.
newspapers, rubber, cigarette smoke, sandwich bread, sweat.
what does your day smell like?
modesty is impractical and impossible
in the crush of bodies
back and forth, stop.
don’t try to hold upright.
just close your eyes and sway
let your arm brush the woman next to you
don’t flinch as a man bumps into you
close your eyes.
close them.
picture somewhere else, picture oxygen.
breathe.
when you open your eyes
everyone else will have closed theirs.

I'm in DC! (Sort of). By sort of, I mean Arlington, VA--the closest Virginia suburb to our nation's capital. I flew out of Seattle on Wednesday morning and stayed with my aunt and uncle there for a few days, as well as visited Eric in his new suite at Hopkins, and cooked dinner with him and his friends. This morning, I got up fairly early (considering that jet-lag kept me up pretty late) and my aunt and grandma drove me to Arlington (about an hour away).

I'm staying with old family friends of my dad's, who are incredibly welcoming. I have my own room with a queen bed, full closet, dresser...also my own bathroom. Not bad at all, considering most places I looked at on Craigslist offered much less AND I would have had to pay rent. This lovely family is letting me stay with them for the summer free of charge--they won't even take money for groceries!

Within a few minutes of unpacking, my friend Emma (also a Tufts student and fellow American history/politics junkie) called. She and Evan (another Tufts friend) are both interning in DC this summer and were meeting this afternoon to walk through the Smithsonian. She wondered if I wanted to go. Did I want to go???? This to the girl who reads history books for FUN, geekily remarked that Obama's inaugural address had eerie similarities to Richard III's "Now is the winter of our discontent...", who is getting ready to write an 80-100 p thesis on nothing BUT American history. Yes, I wanted to go. So my host dad (I don't know what else to call him...) very generously drove me to the Metro stop (the DC area subway) and I bought a SmartCard and was getting off at the Smithsonian stop in under 20 minutes. Not bad at all.

And then I walked up out of the metro stop, and I was on the National Mall, and the Lincoln Memorial was on one end, and the Capitol, and the Washington monument, and the WW2 memorial, and the Vietnam memorial, and I could see the White House, and it was all RIGHT THERE. I'll be perfectly honest--I felt a little bit like you do when you first walk in the gates of Disneyland: completely overwhelmed, SO excited, and aware that you're now seeing in person what you've only seen before in pictures. So I gawked, strolled, and probably unknowingly walked through several people's snapshots before getting over to the Smithsonian Museum of American History, which was pretty fantastic.

Among other things, we saw: Judy Garland's ruby-red slippers, Lincoln's stovepipe hat, a draft of Ike's inaugural address, and the kitchen which served as Julia Child's television set. I was in American history-politics heaven...

We left the museum and walked all over, taking tons of pictures and commenting on how crowded the Mall was. Now, I am going to expose my own ignorance, but I'm hoping that since I didn't know this, other people might not have either. Until about six months ago, I thought that the term "National Mall" referred to an actual SHOPPING mall. Hahahah. It doesn't.

FInally, I said good-bye to Evan and Emma and after only a slight Metro snafu, found my way to 18th St NW, walked several blocks, and found my office building, where I will start work on Monday. I have very little idea what I'm going to be doing. All I have been told is that I'll be assisting with legal research, writing op-eds to go in the newsletter, and attending and reporting on congressional briefings. So, we'll see.

Now comes the major task for tonight. Ironing. Basically every single piece of clothing I need to wear to work requires an ironing. Good lord, but I am going to be an ironing pro by the end of the summer. Oh well. I will take the ironing in stride, as long as I get to walk around DC and see such amazing things...

I guess this is kind of my week? So far, at least.

I got into Oxford! I will be spending my junior year at Pembroke College, studying History & Politics.

:)

I had my third and final interview this morning for the Constitution Project, a bipartisan legal thinktank in Washington, D.C. At the end of the interview, the director said, "I don't normally do this, but I would like to offer you the position."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will be working in DC from June 1 to around August 8th doing legal research, coordinating press events, and writing op-ed pieces!
I am so excited.

http://www.constitutionproject.org/

So, yes...I did it again, and it seems far worse (or better?) than last semester. On top of my five classes, I have the show, my job, tour guiding, and internship hunting. Oh yeah, and just summer planning in general.

I just peeled an orange and now my hands smell like it, which is my biggest pet peeve...dammit. At home I always make Eli do it for me :)
I miss my little brother, who isn't so little...tonight is SAAS's winter ball on the Space Needle (jealous!). He's going with a date and I gave him all sorts of instructions about putting her corsage on and not clashing his tie with her dress, etc etc. I wish I could be there to see him all dressed up.

It's cold outside...I've been good thus far going to the gym--almost every day, and today's walk over was FRIGID. My abs will be sore tomorrow. And it's not even February yet! (Okay, fine, so it's tomorrow).

Ooh, good news. I got an interview for one of my summer internship options: The Constitution Project. It's a legal advocacy group based in D.C. that defends constitutional rights and enters a lot of amicus briefs in the Supreme Court. Yay for making the first cut...but now I have to wow them enough that they hire me (!!). It's next Friday.

Everyone should watch this all the way through because it made me so happy: http://videos.komando.com/2009/01/09/elephant-sanctuary/

Wow. So much for being a regular updater...I feel bad when I don't write for a long time, because I enjoy reading everyone else's entries so much and feel like I should reciprocate (though granted, I often have little to say...)

Israel was amazing. I put up pictures on facebook, but it's hard to do the country justice. The trip confirmed a lot of what I already knew: I love traveling, beautiful landscapes, new cultures and languages, and Judaism. But I also figured some other things out; for instace--I want to have a Bat Mitzvah (and very well may this year...more on that in the upcoming weeks). And that I consider myself a Jew above all other religions, and that I want my children to be brought up aware of Jewish customs and history. I don't say, "I want to raise my children as Jews" because I don't think religion should be force-fed to anyone...but I do know that I identify very strongly with parts of Judaism and want to pass that on.

The rest of break was good...since the snow was gone, Seattle seemed much more like home. Eric and I went up to his family's new cabin on Camano and spent the night, which was fun but a little eerie...imagine two people sleeping in a house with seven bedrooms. And then it was crazy packing time and back to Boston (where there was and is snow on the ground).

The semester is off to a good start. I'm taking Revolutionary Russian History, Women in 20th Century America, Judicial Politics, Spanish, and From the Big Bang to Humankind. All are at least likeable, and some very likeable indeed. I also got the job I applied for (yesss) with the Office of Alumni Relations, interviewing alums...and it pays really well, which is what I need. AND I got into the 3Ps (student theater organization) major production, Kushner's The Illusion. I play a servant (The Amanuensis) whose tongue has been cut out.

I just tried to spell tongue 5 times and failed 4 of them. I think I need to go to sleep.

But first: Eric visited this weekend (since Wed) and we had lots of fun. Took him to Bartley's in Harvard for burgers and we went to some parties and the infamous Winter Bash...I'm really excited about our spring break plans, which we came up with at the end of break. We're going to fly from Boston to Kansas City and then take an Amtrak train from Kansas to Santa Fe, NM, where my uncle lives. We'll spend the week staying with him, hopefully hiking and relaxing in the nice weather, and then head back to NYC for the weekend.

That's in less than 2 months...and then the semester is basically DONE. Whoa. I am mailing off my internship application to NPR tomorrow. Cross your fingers (and toes and eyes and everything, I need all the luck I can get) for me please...

=lovely! In no particular order:

I love Seattle.*
I love my friends.
I love my family.

Now it's off to Israel until Jan 6....on New Year's Eve, I will be partying it up crazy with the Bedouins and their camels. Yes.
LOOOOOOVE

*Note: I love Seattle as it is NORMALLY. I do not, however, love the fact that obscene amounts of snow and the particular gradient/temperature/position of my street has made it absolutely impossible for me to drive anywhere. I walked all the way to the Ave twice, and to the Bathhouse once, along with numerous trips to UVillage. I was marooned in Magnolia. I was marooned in my house. Snow is pretty for several days, but when the city has only 27 snowplows and some of them are broken...well....I miss the efficiency of Boston's cleanup. ANYWAYS. I hope that when I get back...the snow will be gone! I guess I'm officially an adult now, wishing snow to go away...

xoxoxox

All done! YAY!
heading home tomorrow morning at 6:30 a.m...ew haha.
home until dec 27, then back jan 6 and home til the 13th!
loveeeeeee

Those of you with more years than me...

Political Science and History double major?

History Major with Poli Sci minor?

There are so many classes I want to take, and I can't take them all if I'm so worried about distribution reqs plus major reqs. And I don't think I'm cut out for political academia...

Help?

I spent from 7 pm last night until 12:30 a.m. squuezed onto the arm of an armchair in the midst of a packed room in the campus center. There were probably over 1000 people in the whole place, and about 200 or so in the area I was sitting. People in front of me, to the side (the only reason they weren't behind me is that the chair was against a wall...but if there had been space, they would have found it!), everywhere. My friend Emma and I waited anxiously, watching CNN and the anchors and their magic map, projecting and predicting and theorizing and suggesting and wondering and HOPING. Because even on the supposedly unpartisan John King, Soledad O'Brien, Campbell Brown, Anderson Cooper, I could see the joy start to sparkle in their eyes.

First when Pennsylvania was called..."The McCain camp worked hard for Pennsylvania...it's a big loss."
Then with Ohio..."No Republican has made it to the White House without Ohio. This is looking bleak for Senator McCain."
Next, the battle for Virginia, and New Hampshire, and Indiana, and Florida, and Colorado, and New Mexico...
And finally, at 11:01 Eastern Standard Time, with the closing of the polls in Washington, Oregon, and California:

CNN PROJECTION: BARACK OBAMA ELECTED PRESIDENT.

Shots of screaming crowds...people crying, cheering. The sounds from the television were more than drowned out by the explosion of noise from the Campus Center and really the whole campus--if I hadn't been screaming so loudly, I would have been worried that the noise was deafening. But I didn't even think of that at the time--I was hugging people and yelling and stuck between crying and laughing, but I couldn't take my eyes off the television screen. Those words, "Barack Obama Elected President." I still keep checking the Internet to make sure that it's true; that I don't have to worry anymore about swiftboat campaigning, about the McCain camp scrounging up whatever little dirt they can in the last few weeks...

The election is over. Obama will be our 44th President. But here is where it all begins.
And for me, personally, the euphoria I felt last night will always me with me, a little, when I think about the change that is possible, about the political change that I can bring about.

I can't quote the NY Times religiously; I don't know the history of conflicts between Syria and Jordan; don't ask me who Carter's Secretary of State was. But for all intensive purposes--I am a political junkie. I love it. I want to know everything there is to know--which won't happen, but it is an admirable goal. This isn't a new realization; I am a declared Poli Sci major, after all. But it is a renewed promise to myself--I want to DO things. And it's possible.

Anything is possible.

why does this week suck beyond belief?

this week, i had/have:
-two papers
-two 4 hour rehearsals
-one night staying up until 3 am reading (for those of you who don't know my studying habits, that is unheard of)
-tonsilitis...

seriously. what the hell...i already had it! last year, in november. and now i have it AGAIN. kjhfqkhrfikhwiewhreiurhf. stupid antibiotics that interfere with other medications, with social life, with being productive.

and i have TWO cast  bondings this weekend that i won't be able to participate fully in...
and THIS to do this weekend:

-8 chapters dense poli sci reading ("Why Americans Hate Welfare")
-1 300 p autobiography (Doris Kearns Goodwin)
-1 spanish composition
-begin reading 15 chapters of Kearn's Lincoln bio (Team of Rivals)
-Astronomy midterm on monday
...so overwhelmed

Q: After three wonderful dates a boy I met recently suddenly just stopped calling. This has never happened to me before and I don’t know how to handle it. I have always been popular with boys and I know this boy liked me. Could I possibly call him? I don’t want him to think I’m hard up for a date, but I would like to see him again.
A: It’s hard to make a general rule about when a girl should or shouldn’t call a boy. So much depends on how well they know each other. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t call him for some specific purpose, however. An invitation to a party, for example. If he refuses, well—you’ll have to leave the next call up to him.


Q: I am sixteen and in perfect health. I swim, ride, play tennis and regularly beat my beau at golf. When then—when I’m out on a date—do I have to pretend to be so helpless I can’t open a car door
A: It’s a penalty for beating your beau at golf. Actually, it is a pretense—but a nice one. It givers your escort the same protective feeling you get taking a child’s hand to cross the street. Cater to it.


Q: I just don’t have time for boys. What would you think of a sixteen year old girl who cares absolutely nothing for boys and hasn’t the slightest intention of getting married? Is this entirely possible? Can you escape men and marriage? People think I’m crazy but I’m perfectly willing to have only a musical career—and its not just a passing fancy! There is only one male in my life and he’s my music teacher. I admire him and use him as my example.
A: Of course you can ‘escape’ men and marriage. But who wants to? Few musicians we know life purely in a world of sounds and cymbals, and many women musicians have been able to fit marriage and a family into their lives. To be frank, we think you may be worried that a boy won’t be as docile to control as a violin or piano—or that you won’t be quite so much of a virtuoso with boys as you are with your music. Why burn your bridges before you’ve crossed them? Boys aren’t ogres. Instead of spending all your time with music and your music teacher, practice getting to know a few (a budding Van Cliburn perhaps?) the way you’d practice scales and arpeggios. Then, if you change your mind about men later on, you’ll have more “beaux” than a music teacher to your string!

Hello, my very intelligent and creative friends: I need your help.
Here's the deal--I am in a very exciting seminar class this semester, Race and Class in American Politics. The sole assignment for the semester is a 20-30 page paper on a topic of our choice. It must be "original", meaning that we are not to read other people's articles and then use them to support our arguments. Instead, utilization of primary data is required.

Examples of acceptable sources:
-exit polls/electoral returns
-court opinions
-congressional testimony
-social/scientific studies
-memoirs
-public opinion surveys
-newspaper articles (past/current)
-gov't docs
-public speeches

HERE is where you come in. I have a million different things that I am interested in, but I want more ideas, partly because the million things in my head don't really connect yet. So if you have the time, please take a second and leave me a comment with anything that comes to mind in terms of race and class in american politics/history, and let me know what you think an interesting topic might be. Please refrain from the "Barack Obama" route--not because I don't love him, but because writing a paper on the election/him while it's still going on would be a bad idea.

Just so you know, here are some things bouncing around my skull--
-Marriage and family--how it affects voting (spouses voting same/different?)
-the 1950s in general (i'm taking a Girlhood in the 1950s class and it would be cool to focus on the 50s this semester)
-trickle down effect of Brown v Board--how viewed by diffferent groups of Americans, how other decisions related
-Unmarried/married women of different classe--voting records?
-American family dynasties and their politics on race

Any brainstorming is appreciated! Thank you--xoxoxo

so...my year is amazing so far. not to jinx anything...but:

-huuuge single
-amazing friends who i LOVE
-classes that are going to KICK MY ASS but are sooooo good
-aaaaand last but definitely not least:

I got into the department show, which is one of three faculty-directed mainstage shows a year! Madwoman of Chaillot--I am playing one of the Madwomen, Gabrielle. SO EXCITED. I can't believe I got in...

already, this year is better than last. love it.

I had a lovely weekend. Sunshine...swimming...summer...
Eric and I saw Wall-E at the drive-in! SO GOOD. I never thought I would become so emotionally invested in the fate of a robot. Also: my passion for the Tour has remeerged, as it does every summer. George Hincapie, how I love you...and Bob Ligget and Paul Sherwin are hilarious commentators as always (why do British accents make everything more fun?).

Also, went on a double date to the zoo and saw the flamingos...I love them! They are so weird and skinny and knobby and pink.

So, it looks like BE is on the ground and going...
I have mixed feelings about it right now. It's hard not to feel left out of something new and exciting, even though I had a feeling I wouldn't be on the committee because I emailed Shana and told her I was unsure. And that's fair, because the people in charge should be 100% committed and present, and I might not always be 100%. I just hope that a "clique" doesn't develop in the Bathhouse, because that would make me sad beyond belief. I know that I (and others too, I think) have always thought of the Bathhouse as the place we go to in order to escape cliques. I'm not going to be an actress. I gave up on that several years ago; and some of the people on the committee still want that, and for them, I hope that this theater company is beautiful and successful and the talk of the town. It would be exciting to have been at the beginning of something great--but who knows, maybe in a couple of years, I will be involved again.

I've been thinking a lot, lately, about how I'm living a very psuedo-adult life. I get up in the morning, get dressed in my business-casual clothing, eat breakfast and read the paper to stay current on city governance issues, catch the bus downtown to City Hall, and start my workday. I work all day, except for that one glorious hour of lunch time (and lately, of sunshine), take the bus home, go to the gym, and finally get back to my house. When I get home after working out, I realize that there's not much of my day left. It's 7:00. Enough time to make dinner and see a friend, maybe? But I don't want to get in the car, because after being inside all day, a car sounds disgusting. I don't want to clean or do laundry, because I've already worked eight hours today. I want to see people, but I want to go to bed early, because I'm getting up at 6:45 a.m.  It's a conundrum (what a fantastic word).

I don't read the above paragraph and groan. I don't feel depressed. I don't hate it (although, after almost 8 weeks of interning, I am getting ready to be done for the summer and enjoy some sunshine). Lately, I've just been in  a constant state of analysis of the people in my workplace--the "real" adults, who work far more hours than I do (50, 60, 70 hours a week), and I wonder: what do their lives look like? What do they do when they get home from the office? Do they have husbands or wives who are working just as hard and so those few hours from 7-bed are precious catch-up time? Or kids, even? Do they have time to see their friends, plant flowers in the garden, walk the neighborhood at dusk with the dog? Or are they out at a bar, catching up with friends and downing beers before going home for the night? Or what if they want to date--where do they find the time and effort to put themselves out there, to be cute and flirty and fun and WEAR HEELS after a ten-hour day? And if they're pursuing a Master's, a law degree, a BABY...what then? What gets cut? Time at the bar? The garden? The gym? The husband? The friends? 

The they could be me. Probably WILL be, in about four years. I think I should feel scared, but I don't.

My internship. Which. Is. Fabulous.
Seriously, I feel so lucky to be able to be working where I work, with the people whom I work with. The Conference in Miami was awesome on so many levels (not just shaking Obama's hand, the whole thing) and I really do think that public service/politics/law is the right focus for me. Working 40 hour weeks definitely has its drawbacks, though, and I am pretty tired by Thurs/Fri. But all in all, I am thrilled with it.

Inherit the Wind. Which. Was. Wonderful.
I don't know how I thought that a summer without the Bathhouse would be ok. Becuase having done my first Alumni show, I know that this summer would not have been the same without Inherit the Wind. It was really hard feeling so unconnected to the show for the first few days after Miami, but that is what you get for trying to do too much at once and being gone for all of tech. But it turned out brilliantly, and I felt a lot more connected by the time we closed. 

The rest of the summer. Which. Is. Going. Fast.
And I am both happy and sad about that! I mean, I have a lot to look forward to: time with Eric, friends, family...trip to CA to visit Beth, Becca, and Rals...Ashland...sunshine...Seattle...etc. BUT at the same time I am so excited for Tufts!

Being in love in the sunshine makes everything beautiful :)